Emily's apology
by Evelyn92
Summary: After Doyle is dead, Emily returns one last time to speak to the team.


They had been told that Emily Prentiss was still alive, it had all been a cover up to protect everyone involved from Ian Doyle. Despite its good intentions, the lies and trickery still hurt like hell. The team had trusted her, loved her and she had lied to them all. The happiness they had initially felt at the news had soon turned into a myriad of anger, disappointment and betrayal. None of them knew where to go from here, she wasn't even around for them to confront and demand an explanation. Her return had been overtaken by agents from multiple agencies keeping her in isolation and demanding extensive reports on her every movement concerning Doyle from the very beginning of her Interpol assignment, no details were to be missed out this time.

In Europe, Emily had joined forces with her old colleague Clyde Easter to take out Doyle once and for all, and they had, finally taking him out with a gunshot to the skull in a remote villa in the middle of nowhere in Slovakia. Clyde had let her take the kill shot, he knew that Emily deserved that at the very least from the man who had taken her whole life from her. At last she could breathe again.

It was no understatement to say that Ian Doyle had terrified Emily to her very bones, however what scared her even more was what she had left behind. Her team, her family. Their reaction to what she had done, her past, and the present situation was too painful to think about. Would they ever forgive her? She debated for weeks whether she should even go back at all, she could simply leave again and let them be, no more drama or upset for them. She had nothing now, with her death everything had been taken care of, leaving would not be hard. Yet she already knew that she wasn't going to leave again. She owed them an explanation, an apology, everything. She couldn't think about her own feelings any more, her team and how they were feeling; coping was the only thing that mattered to her any more.

This decision was how she ended up walking next to Chief Strauss, two FBI agents and a CIA agent through the FBI building at Quantico, on the way to face her team. The team, they weren't hers any more. Would they even recognise her? She looked down at herself; her appearance had definitely changed since the last time she was in this building. She had lost a lot of weight, something she didn't actually think was possible, her hair was cut into a straight cut which barely reached her shoulders and it was dyed pitch black, her clothes were all black too; colourful clothes were no longer appropriate. If she was honest, she had never looked more like a spy in her life, it wasn't her at all. It certainly wasn't a look that was going to help her when talking to the team. She had dark circles under her eyes; months on the run, followed by weeks of questioning did nothing to help sleep deprivation.

She had waited until she knew the team would be all together in the conference room to go and face them, all together, at once. Like a ripping of a band aid, the more drawn out it is the worse the pain. 'God, I must be a masochist' she thought as she walked through those glass doors. It brought a tear to her eye as she remembered when she was last here, thinking she would never see those doors again, or even be alive to get to see them again. The office looked exactly the same, it still looked like home to her, although the visitor's badge she had on her jacket was proof enough that it was no longer her home. The desk that had been hers had been cleared and left bare, she was surprised that it hadn't been taken by a new agent; it had been six months since she left. They had been short handed for six months. And it was all her fault; they no longer wanted to trust anyone, a new agent wouldn't stand a chance. 'I wish I had deserved your trust' she thought sadly.

Strauss knocked on the door to the conference where the unsuspecting team were sitting around discussing the profile of a new case, and entered the room. Emily and the three other agents hung back on the other side of the door.

"Good morning agents, I am sorry to interrupt but there is an important issue which has arisen. Agent Hotchner there is someone here who wishes to speak with you and your team."

"Of course" he said curtly, nodding his head from across the room. He guessed that it was either a prospective new agent or someone relating to a victim. Strauss stepped aside and was followed in by the three agents and finally Emily Prentiss. The silence in the room was almost audible as she stood there in front of them; they just stared at her in shock. It was one thing to know she was alive, it was quite another to see her for themselves, here. Their silence hurt Emily more than she would ever let on; she hoped it was only the shock that left them speechless.

"Hey. I know I don't deserve to ask this from you, but there are things I want to say to you, if you'll listen. I'm not asking for anything in return other than you hear me out, please." She pleaded with her eyes, looking around at the group. She held her hands together in front of her, picking her nails was a bad habit but right now she couldn't stop it, she had never been more nervous in her life, and that was saying something. "I am so sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you what I used to do, what I used to be. I was so ashamed of it, I couldn't bear to tell you the bad things I've done, and I never wanted you to hate me. I'm sorry for not telling you about Doyle when you got this case, about what he was capable of. I'm sorry for not asking for your help, it wasn't that I didn't have faith in you, I did, I do, but I couldn't drag you into this too. It was too late for me, but you guys didn't have to be involved. I left to take him on by myself to protect you, and Declan, if I had stayed he would have come to me and to you, I wasn't going to let him anywhere near you. I thought that by leaving you and keeping him busy with me that he would forget about going after you guys. I had hoped that by the time you realised I was missing and tried to find me; he would have already killed me and left. It was never about saving me; I had to save you from him." She took a deep breath before continuing, she needed to get through this and say all she had come to say before she broke down. "I am sorry that I lied to you about my death. It was decided that this was the only way to get rid of Doyle and to allow me to track him down without him knowing. I love you all more than anything in the world and everything I did, I did to keep you safe." She couldn't help a tear escaping and falling down her cheek. She looked at Spencer. "Reid, I never wanted to be another person that left you, I never wanted to let you down, to betray your trust and faith in me. I am so sorry that I did that to you. You need to remember that there are people who truly will never hurt you, who will never leave you, who will never do what I have done." Next she looked at Derek. "Morgan, we were partners for five years and you trusted me with your life and in the end I couldn't return the favour. I trust you with my life and more, it wasn't about that at all, I didn't want to put you in danger too. I know you think I was running away from the situation but I was running towards Doyle, I had to face him head on before he got any further. I wanted to thank you for what you said in that warehouse, it made me believe that everything I did was worth it in the end, no matter what it cost me." Garcia was next, Emily spoke to them in the order they were sitting around the table, the order at least helped her to focus and carry on. "Penny, please don't let me be the one who takes away your belief in good, I know how important that is to you, and it does exist, I'm just not part of it. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you for what I have taken from you but I don't think there is. I love you like a sister and I am truly sorry." This was getting more and more painful with each person she spoke to, but she had to hold the breakdown back, she alone was the reason for all the hurt and pain and therefore she would take its effects, they didn't deserve to see them. "Dave, you are the closest I have ever had to a father, you know a lot about my past and maybe you can understand what happened better than the others, I'm not asking for you to understand or forgive me, I'm asking you to not stay angry. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you but this was one secret that was always kept hidden a little too deep." Deep breaths. Deep breaths. "JJ, I am sorrier than you will ever know for putting you in that position, forcing you to keep a secret like that and lie to everyone you care about just for me, but I am so grateful and it's something I can never repay you for. I owe you my life." Last but absolutely not least. "Hotch, Aaron" Emily let out a sob, no longer being able to hold it in when she looked in his eyes and saw the pain she had caused him; that's what finally broke her. "I am sorry for everything." She had never meant any words more than she did in that sentence. She tore her eyes from him and once again addressed the team as a whole."I can't ask you to forgive me, I realize how much I hurt you and nothing I say can repair that. I just hope that you can overcome this, all of the mess I made. Every single day I live with the regret of everything that happened with Doyle because of the hurt and pain it caused all of you, even though I know I would do the same thing all over again because I would gladly give me own life to protect you."

Emily looked Strauss, and she could see tears in her eyes, which surprised Emily, she shook them away quickly. "Miss Prentiss, if you are finished, I will escort you out." She motioned for Emily to leave. She took one last look at the family she loved so much and went to leave when Spencer stood up and walked over to her, he stopped in front of her and put his arms around her, hugging her tightly to him. Emily hugged him back, hiding her head in his shoulder as she started sobbing loudly. She hadn't expected anything from any of them, and it meant the world to her that Spencer could even bring himself to touch her. Dave came over and stood on her right and put his hand on her back, gently rubbing it comfortingly. She pulled back from Spencer and Dave leant forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"I am so proud of you bella" Dave whispered in her ear. She truly didn't deserve them. She looked into Dave's eyes and saw there the understanding and pride he felt; she gasped in surprise, she knew her actions were unforgivable and this had thrown her completely. She saw a flash of colour in the corner of her eye before she felt Garcia throw herself at Emily, squeezing her so tight that Emily could barely breathe.

"Don't you ever do anything like that ever again! Do you understand me? There is no way I am letting you out of my sight ever again, so don't even think about taking a sick day without giving me a full months notice madam!" When Pen mentioned a sick day, Emily bit her lip from nervousness.

"You are coming back to work aren't you?" Derek asked from the table, they all stared at her. She looked at Morgan and managed to sneak a glance at Hotch before answering them.

"No, I'm not returning to the FBI. I think I am done with working for government agencies. Besides, I don't think returning to the BAU is an option for me, even if I did want to come back. I reckon I'm just going to live one day at a time, no stress and no work. It's not like I need the money, Interpol pay huge money to take your life from you." For that she got looks of understanding and sympathy, something she felt undeserving of entirely.

"Where are you going to live, you aren't going to stay in D.C. are you?" Pen asked sadly, already guessing the answer.

"No I don't think I am, my apartment here has already been sold so I don't even have a place to stay around here apart from hotels. I'm thinking of buying a huge house in the suburbs somewhere, maybe in Connecticut. A boring lifestyle is very appealing right now."

"You can't be serious, you belong in law enforcement, you are amazing at it Em. You are needed here." She shook her head in response. "Yes you do. It's not the same without you Princess. You are the best partner I ever had." He hugged her then; his muscles and her loss of weight made the hug literally bone crushing for Emily but there was no way that it mattered right now. He pulled back, grinning at her. "What are you going to do in the suburbs anyway? Keep a flowerbed and bake pies? We all know you can't cook for love or money. And that house plant you had, it lasted what, two weeks? I'm just amazed you kept that cat alive." She had forgotten all about Sergio, how could she forget her pet?

"Oh god, what happened to Sergio? They didn't put him in a shelter or anything did they?"

"No, don't worry. Reid here took him in, although I don't think Sergio likes him too much, Reid has a tendency to step on his tail." Reid cringed as his lack of affinity with animals was revealed.

"Thank you Spencer, I'm sure you've done a great job with him." She patted his arm affectionately. She was still very conscious of the fact that neither JJ nor Hotch had said anything to her, which saddened her despite the unexpected warmth from the rest of the team. She sighed heavily and looked at the two left at the table, JJ was trying to fix her eye make-up after it had been messed up by her tears from what Emily had said, but Hotch's expression scared her, he still looked as serious as ever, no particular emotion being shown. 'He can't even bear to speak to me' she thought as she felt her heart breaking. JJ caught Emily's eye when she looked over at her and smiled at her.

"Give me a minute Em." She said as she waved her hand in front of her eyes trying to dry them. Emily couldn't help but tear up herself as she realized that JJ was not coming over as she was overwhelmed with the situation and not because she resented and hated her. She didn't deserve them, and their reactions only made her feel her guilt more deeply for what she had done to them. JJ went and embraced Emily just as the others had before her, except JJ didn't let go as easily; to her Emily had been the older sister that she had never had the chance to grow up with and being apart from her had been hard, even apart from the secrets and lies she had kept.

"I'm so sorry JJ, for everything that you went through because of me."

"I love you Em, you don't need to apologize for anything."

"I love you too JJ" After the hug lasted a few moments longer, they finally let go.

"I owe you everything, if there is anything I can ever do to repay you, it's yours." JJ smirked at her friend.

"Well, how does babysitting duty for the next five years suit you?" The team chuckled at the pair. They could all feel the welcome happiness that having their missing piece back brought with her. Despite all they had been through, they were still family. Emily just needed a bit more convincing on that point; she had never before had people who cared about her like they did, to her it was unbelievable. However, she could still feel the emotionless stare of Aaron Hotchner on her back. The team understood that he would react differently to them, even if they had no clue how he really felt, he hardly ever showed his feelings in front of others, and besides, his relationship to Emily was different from what she had with the others. They were friends, but they were also so uniquely similar it was sometimes disorientating, and although they hid it even from themselves, they had been in love with each other for years but a word was never said about it, not even to each other. Emily, however, was less optimistic than her friends, she thought his silence meant that he couldn't bring himself to face her, forgiveness was a foreign concept and hatred was a definite possibility. It physically hurt her to think that he hated her now, and it had been all her own doing.

Before it became impossible to avoid speaking to Hotch, the CIA agent that was escorting Emily cleared his throat. "It's time to go ma'am." Emily grimaced at the term of address.

"What have I told you about calling me 'ma'am' Agent Roberts? Don't do it." Morgan and Dave snickered at Emily, she hadn't changed one bit. She looked at her friends, all except Hotch. "I'll call you when I am finally free of my captors, I mean escorts."

"We have to do a girls night!" Garcia said happily, the others noticed that this was a bigger smile on her than they had seen from her in months.

"Sure Pen, but I literally have nothing to wear, pretty much the only clothes I have now, I am currently wearing." Emily confessed, when they had taken her life, they really did take everything.

"Then I think a shopping trip needs to be part of the girl's night!" JJ added, joining in the hype.

"Miss Prentiss?" The CIA guy was back.

"Okay, I get it, I'm coming. Jeez." She was now clearly annoyed at the young agent, impatience was not a good quality. The team laughed at the exchange. Emily gave them each one last smile and hugged JJ, Spencer and Dave again and walked back across the room to leave, not once looking in Hotch's direction, knowing it would break her if she did.

"Emily" He said it so softly, she wasn't sure that her mind wasn't playing cruel tricks on her. She turned back to the room and there he was standing right behind her. She kept her eyes on his chest, any higher would just be torturing herself. "I..I.." She cut him off, taking his hatred was one thing, hearing it would be more painful that anything Doyle had done to her.

"You don't have to say anything. I understand. I know that some things are unforgivable, so you're allowed to hate me. I didn't come here expecting anything." The man had some sort of magical power over her, the minute he had called her name; the tears had started flowing again. Emily was amazed she still had tears to shed; it felt like she'd done nothing but cry for months on end.

He took a step towards her and lifted his right hand to cup her cheek, and wiped at her tears with his thumb. He bent forward and put his lips next to her ear to whisper to her. "There is nothing to forgive Emily. I love you, always will. I couldn't bear it if you left me again Em, it hurts too much to be without you." Her watery eyes finally met his and a huge smile crept across her face, her expression was soon mirrored on his face too.

"I love you too" She said before his lips descended on hers. In that moment there was nothing else in the world but the two of them; her arms around his waist gripping the back of his white shirt, his hands caressing her hair as they deepened the kiss. Emily was pretty sure this was the most wondrous moment of her life.

As soon as they let go of each other though, the magic was interrupted. "Ma'am?"

"Oh shut up Roberts!" Emily snapped at him, and then smiled at Aaron before pulled him back to her for another knee-buckling, mind-melting kiss.


End file.
